Proverbs 7:7 I saw some naive young men, and one in particular who lacked common sense.
“If you love your husband so much, wouldn’t you give him anything that would make him happy?” My friend was telling me that she had decided to allow additional people into her marital private time. About a year later, she and her husband were divorced. I don’t live a very sheltered life, so I’ve seen this happen a few times. The people are different, but the results are similar. Why? Sex is magnificent, right? We want to share it like music with the world. But it’s most wonderful in the place for which it was made. All the women I’ve known who’ve had open relationships eventually fell for someone who wanted only them, someone who gave them comfort and affection even during their less-than-perfect times, who wasn’t constantly scoping the racks like a shopper on Tax-free Weekend. The men I know want someone who isn’t bending over backwards to turn them on, but who can relax and have an intelligent conversation, and who he understands just a little bit.
Yes, we should do our part to keep romance alive, but you and I are so much more than pinups. Our hearts long for a relationship that will last into old age. Constant competition erodes our hearts and steals our oxygen, like mold on the walls of our homes. God made sex, so it’s obvious that He likes us and wants us to enjoy ourselves. But it’s fantastic for a reason. Lovemaking is a web of fuseline connected to a million aspects of who we are. One flame ignites explosions all over. These explosions bond us to a person with whom we can experience the hopes and frustrations, the adjustments and victories of learning to love unconditionally. We become better people through this process. This bond, with its sorrows, contentment and intense joy, is designed for an even deeper reason. The love relationship we develop with our mate mirrors the relationship God wants to have with us, the kind where it’s just between us, sharing all, enduring and encouraging, sometimes disagreeing or working through hurt feelings but staying true. This kind of relationship grows with time, and the rewards are incomparable.
Is there disparity between your drive and your mate’s? God doesn’t think you’re weird or wrong for feeling frustration. The Holy Spirit is our Comforter, even when it comes to sex. Take this burden to your Maker and let Him give you:
3. The knack for being considerate and accepting generosity
4. The discipline to be clear without nagging
5. The ability to listen without judging or manipulating
6. An appreciation for the person you married and his/her place in your life
7. Pleasurable times together, as these things develop
If you need some ideas, there are lots of resources out there. Keep in mind that the stories in the Bible progress through thousands of years of civilization. They don’t hide people’s bad decisions or old cultural norms such as polygamy and even slavery, but instead they broadcast the fact that God works with people where they are at all times. With that in mind, God shows us in Proverbs, in Ephesians 5 and in I Corinthians 13 how our soul machine functions best. Use these as your foundation and pray about what you read, understanding that it’s okay to disagree with an author’s opinions if they don’t match the wisdom in these verses. Also know that you’re going to find some generalizations, such as the “all wives have low drives” assumption. Take the parts that work for you and don’t burn the book in frustration over the parts that don’t.
Lord, we’re surrounded by stories of passion and new romance, by songs and situations that tempt us to let go and grab hold of the nearest body. You did a great job designing this stuff. Please clean our minds and put our drives in their proper place, so that we can enjoy the abundant life You promised us, with no regrets.